I have
always been into books. I love
them for so many reasons.
I have not
always been into porn. I dislike
it for a few simple reasons.
Here is my
problem with porn. I want more
than the Internet videos or pricey On Demand rentals provide. I need to understand how and why the
semi-hot, yet always greasy handyman ends up with the lonely housewife. I want to know what makes them strip
down and jump in the shower without caring about being a little overweight or
not having time to self tan.
And most importantly, I want to understand how all this happened ten
minutes after he walked in to help her fix her washer and dryer. I need more
back story, more character development, and less sexual positions.
When I heard
about Fifty Shades of Grey, I had high hopes. Maybe this novel would somehow
combine my love of reading with a new appreciation for soft porn and bondage
fantasies.
After
hearing all the buzz about Fifty Shades of Grey, I wanted to find out for
myself what everyone was getting so worked up about. If women all across America were reading this in the carpool
lane, I didn’t want to be left out.
I may not volunteer to be a room parent but I’ll be damned if everyone
is talking about their new hot sex life and I have nothing to share.
Most
importantly, after ten years of martial bliss, I thought reading this book
wouldn’t hurt. If it could spice
up our already out of this world sex life (by out of this world I mean
enjoyable, predictable, and very quick), then I was all for it.
So I read
the book. I had a love/hate relationship with the entire experience. Her writing is redundant, annoying and elementary. The sex scenes all begin to meld into one long, strange, slightly uncomfortable scene. How many times can a person kiss you passionately, grab your ponytail, and say things like "I think you need to be spanked" or "Oh, you want a shower? You give me no choice but to join you!" before you start to get annoyed? I hate when my kids pull my hair, so I assume I would hate it if some rich, controlling man did it also. In terms of showering, this is something I usually like to do by myself...who really wants to share the hot water? And lastly, she always seemed to be wearing the same outfits...for some reason the fact that she kept rotating the same three dresses really got on my nerves.
But did that stop me from reading it? Not even close...
No I, like many others, became obsessed. I would read when I woke up, when the kids were watching a show, while cooking dinner and before I went to bed. I became so fascinated by the whole thing that there were many times I didn't hear my kids yell for me or ask me for a snack. I became a mother removed from her own suburban life and it made me uncomfortable.
Maybe it was because the lead woman is a mousy, inexperienced girl who somehow finds herself in this very illicit situation. Maybe I saw myself in her...both in terms of the mousiness (sp?) and the inexperience. Who knows? All I know is that I kept reading, kept trying to understand, and eventually ended the first book feeling the same way I did in the beginning...slightly empty and confused.
But I did learn some important things.
In honor of
my Thursday Thoughts for this week, these are the things I have learned from
Fifty Shades of Grey.
1. If my husband ever spanked or hit me, once or eighteen
times, with or without a contract, I would leave him that day… and take him for
everything he owns.
2. I have been searching for my inner goddess that does
scissor kicks and cartwheels whenever she gets excited…unfortunately, I can’t
find her anywhere.
3. The whole dominatrix lifestyle is nothing new. Letting someone have kinky sex with you
and then accepting money, new cars, or gifts is called prostitution…. or being
with Tiger Woods…or marrying up. However
you want to look at it...
4. Okay, I know what I said in number one…but if my husband had a helicopter that
flew us to dinner a few times a month, I may tolerate a little smack on the
bottom every now and then.
5. If a man showed me a “Red Room of Pain” on our second
date, I would probably consider that a red flag. Maybe I need to loosen up a bit…
6. I firmly believe that anyone who wants to be hit in their
private parts with a leather whip has some degree of mental problems.
7. The only way I would say, “Yes sir” to a man is if he was
my elder or has some very high-ranking job in the military.
8. I don’t see anything wrong with the missionary
position. It has been working for
married couples for hundreds of years.
9. It is ironic to me that the lead character in the book is
named Christian.
10. If my parents had named me Anastasia Steele, I think I
would have had a better chance of being wild in bed.
11. Please do not make this book into a movie. Everyone has their own Christian
Grey…and most do not look like Zac Efron.
Do not ruin our dreams just to make money.