Things my Husband Says (that make me consider Homicide)

1. I am so tired.

2. This is only my second scotch.

3. Have you talked to my mom lately? (hey buddy, I am barely hanging on with my own family...your mom = your responsibility)

4. I didn’t see your call or text…my phone sometimes has bad service.

5. My throat feels weird, any way you could take care of the kids in the morning? (how is that different from any other morning)

6. I could fix the sprinklers but I'd rather pay someone.

7. Don’t worry, I will just make myself dinner.

8. I’m not drunk, it has just been a long week.

9. I promise, there are only 10 minutes left in the game.

10. I WAS watching the kids, I was just letting them work it out between themselves.

11. When you were pregnant it was so hard for me.

12. This is only my 3rd beer.

13. Where are the kid’s pj’s? (do you think we wake up each morning and hide them)

14. Watching you in labor was so painful for me. (DIE)

15. I didn’t say you looked fat, I said you looked healthy.

16. I didn’t know trash day was Thursday.

17. I don't know what I want to do with my life. (neither do we buddy...but in the meantime go make some money)

18. Golfing is the same as working…it is networking.

19. I know you don’t like him but he is like a brother to me.

20. This 56” Flat Screen TV for the garage was SUCH a good deal. (Reason #1 he can never go to Costco)

21. Why does it have to be so dark when we have sex? (believe me, it is better for everyone)

22. I think the baby is hungry, maybe you should try nursing him.

23. I will be home at usual time. (that's the problem)

24. I don't know why I am so tired. (neither do we)

25. What are you talking about? The baby slept all night. (no, really he didn't...you did)

26. You know if you wanted me to go longer I could. (we know...please don't do us any favors)

27. Is there any way you could breastfeed in the other room, I’m trying to sleep.

28. I have to run to the bathroom, it will only take a minute. (how does this happen the moment we are walking out the door)

29. What's the big deal, you have been home with the kids all day.

30. You haven’t done that since before we were married. (and for good reason)