Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The 30's

You know that feeling when you wake up and realize, this is it. THIS is what you grew up to be. And all of a sudden your heart starts racing and you can't breathe because you think it may be a mistake.

When did The Bachelor on the Wings of love and American Idol become the highlight of my life?

This is where I am:
1. I have successfully had two children. One with no pain meds and even though they say it isn't a contest, we all know that is not true...so extra point for me.
2. I have been with the same man for almost 12 years and even though we only have sex once a quarter, I love him more than I did when we first met (just in different ways, very different ways)
3. I have a house with a white pickett fence and even though it is being taken down by termites, it still counts as the American Dream.
4. I have somehow managed to have spent the last decade working in the pharmaceutical field. For those of you who don't know what this means, imagine being a flight attendendant/prostitute/doctor all while driving a grey company car known as a Taurus. My college counselor would be proud!
5. I have a minivan...that I love.

So needless to say I had a breakdown, aka I pulled a Britney Spears. They didn't cart me off to a psych ward, but I did drive myself to a resort in Palos Verde, same difference. When I got there I realized I hadn't been by myself or more importantly quiet in the past like 20 years. I needed time for myself, to pamper myself, and think.

So I did what anyone would do at a 4 star resort. I checked in to my room, slept for 4 hours and then got back in my car and drove to the subway restaurant that was 1 mile away. After reading that a turkey sandwich would cost $37 dollars for room service, I thought it was best just to get the meal deal...chips, drink and a footlong for $6...some habits die hard.

Needless to say, I felt better. As I walked through the lobby with my sandwich hidden under my sweat shirt I thought to myself "this is where I am, at a 4 star resort, running from my kids with a 6 inch cold cut under my shirt." Like everyone always says, dreams do come true!

Later the next day, the guilt of running off on my family caught up with me and I invited them all up to my hotel. 12 hours later I was back at it, lathering sunscreen, kissing bruised knees and arguing with my husband about who was supposed to be watching the baby. What I realize now is we are not far from happiness and joy, but we are also not far from mental breakdowns and hospital wards. It is always just an inch or two either way. We just have to make sure we are always heading towards the one that gives us peace, even if it is just for a moment or two.