Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dear Facebook...we need to talk

Dear Facebook,

It’s a new year and I think its time to start off with some new resolutions. Over the past few years, you have changed a little bit and honestly, you have made some people get a little weird. You started out as this great avenue to help people connect with friends, family members and old boyfriends. But as time went on, you have lost sight of your original goal and its time to get back to the basics. We can no longer sit back and witness people making fools of themselves. It is time we addressed the people who say to much, post too often, and unknowingly make themselves look like idiots.

In honor of new beginnings and being better people, lets set a few guidelines for 2012:

1. If you look good in a bikini, we are SO happy for you! Weight Watchers worked, you laid off the McDonalds, or you simply have good genes. That is awesome and we are glad you loved your trip to Cabo…that place you stayed in really looked beautiful. All we ask is that you go easy on the bikini photos, and please don’t make them your profile picture. We all want our ex-boyfriends to see us looking skinny, tan and happy. Let’s be honest, that is the main reason we post those pictures in the first place. Just go easy on the semi nude photos or you start to look a little desperate.

2. We are so happy you had a nice meal. Everyone deserves a good steak once in a while. And your dessert looks great too, even though we have all seen a nice piece of cheesecake or tall glass of cold beer. Go ahead, put the phone down, take a bite, and enjoy the people you are eating with. If you are eating alone, and that’s why you keep taking pictures of food, we feel your loneliness and are sending you a big hug. I promise, it is going to be okay.

3. Ladies, we know you love your husbands. That is why we assume you married them in the first place. Here’s an idea…if you love them so much, go ahead and close your computer, log out of Facebook, and do something to them you haven’t done since before you were married. On the other hand, if you only say gushy and overly sweet things about your husband to cover the fact that you two hate each other or don’t want to admit that your marriage is barely hanging on, we understand. The reality is that we know the truth about your relationship and it is clear to many people it is probably not going to work. Remember, a lot of us were at your wedding and thought it was a bad idea in the first place.

4. Everyone has questions in life. “Where do I find a painter?” and “What’s a good song to jog to?” and “Does anyone have a good Dentist?” We know that there are times we all need some help, but let’s go ahead and bring back the idea of community. Go outside, knock on a neighbor’s door, or call a friend. I know it’s not as fun or easy as getting 42 comments on your wall in response to your question about “Is an iphone or Blackberry better?”…but you’ll survive. The next time you are out on a walk, stop a stranger and say “Hey, where’s the best place to get Mexican food around here?” It will be great because you might make a new friend and we won’t be bored with your unending questions about where to get a new washer and dryer. See, everybody wins…

5. Cryptic statements are never good. When you post something that says, “Waiting and waiting…will tell you all more soon!”, it makes us very concerned. Then, after we realized you didn’t sound very sad in your post, we automatically think you are pregnant. All this does is cause a lot of people to say things like, “OMG are you Pregnant?” or “WTF! Call me soon! I think I know what this means!” Save the guessing game and just tell us what is going on. If you have some good news, let the world know. If you are waiting for a new job, tell us and we’ll send prayers. If you posted that lame comment so you could get a thousand comments on your wall, we forgive you. Just next time, instead of a weird, strange message, simply say “Hey I have nothing to say but need some love…can 20 of you comment on my wall to make me feel special and popular?” It is a lot less annoying and makes us like you more.

6. Most people have pretty busy lives. Between work and family, nobody has a lot of time to spare. If your status update has to do with carpooling, grocery shopping, or getting ready for holiday parties, no problem. But if you make those things sound like the reason you are stressed, overwhelmed, or busy… we can’t help but hate you. We don’t want to be judgmental, but if your biggest problem is the fact that you can’t find 600 thread count sheets at Pottery Barn, we really don’t give a damn.

7. Most of us need a good motivational or spiritual quote each day. Sometimes reading an inspirational saying can change our whole day. Jesus, Buddha, and a lot of other smart people have said some pretty amazing things in the past and we love when you share them. Just be careful…too many spiritual quotes in one week and we start to get suspicious. How can someone so filled with wisdom have so much time to post on Facebook? Shouldn’t they be out raising a foster baby or working at a soup kitchen for the homeless? If, on the otherhand, the quotes are posted in order for you to remind yourself not to be the angry, uptight, and stressed out person you tend to be…that’s another story. Every now and then, mix up the spiritual quotes with the honest mean and rude things you really want to say.

8. It is never, ever, ever appropriate to post the following status update…“Off to bed, what a great day!” First, people don’t really care when you go to bed. Second, don’t let people know that last thing you did before you went to sleep was look at the Christmas album of your 8th grade boyfriend…it doesn’t look good. Enough said.

9. Here’s a rule of thumb, if your baby isn’t born yet, don’t post pictures of it on Facebook. Sonogram pictures are strange and unattractive, and the truth is most people don’t even know what they are looking at. We don’t want to see a picture of an alien with a circle around his privates with a comment that says, “Looks like he has his father’s genes’ already!” That is creepy. Just hold out…Let the first time we see your child be moments after he has shot out from between your legs and is all swaddled and cozy in your arms. It makes for a better first impression.

10. The MOST important rule of all: Women keep up with old boyfriends on Facebook. It doesn’t matter if we dated them, had a crush on them, wanted to marry them, or simply hooked up with them at a bar…no matter what the story is, we are going to stalk your profile page often. Because we get tired of looking at the same photos of you over and over again, it would be nice if you could do us all a favor and update your pictures regularly. If you want to go the extra mile, hit the “like” button on one of our bikini pictures from Cabo…it would really make our day.