Monday, April 4, 2011

Sports: The Silent Killer

When the Super Bowl ended last February, I found myself crying, feeling deeply emotional at the end of the game. Some people shed tears of joy because the Packers brought the Super Bowl Trophy home, while others shed tears because the people of Pittsburg were once again left disappointed. Yet my tears came from another place, and I believe those same tears were shed in homes all over America. My tears weren’t about a team winning or losing, who won the Fantasy Football league, or the fact that Christina Aguilera butchered the lines to God Bless America. Instead my tears were tears of relief…relief that I had somehow survived another football season without killing my husband.

At the time, I was sure the worst was over. Yet now, as the Final Four tournament comes to a close, I realize it may never end. I am filled with false hope that there may be light at the end of the tunnel. That one day soon, I might have my husband back. But then I remember, the Yankees season is about to start, and with 162 games ahead of me…things are not looking up.

Here’s the thing…I used to enjoy sports. In college, I loved putting on my best Old Navy jeans, a Carolina Blue t-shirt, and heading to the game with two airplane bottles of Jack Daniels stuffed in my bra. I loved the feel of the stadium, the roar of the crowd, and the cheesy music the band always played. After college, and even when we were first married, I loved watching sports, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and spending time with friends. But now that has all changed and there are a few things my friends and I need to understand.

Let’s title this section “Is it Okay?”

1. Is it okay to for a man to sit on a couch for 6 hours on a beautiful, sunny day, and watch grown men chase a ball while his wife cleans, cooks (not saying I cook but just in case there are women that do) and cares for his children…just like she did the other 5 days that week?

2. Is it okay for the T.V. volume in your home to be SO LOUD that you think your children may need to wear earphones in order to protect their ears from permanent and lasting damage?

3. Is it okay for your husband to go into a deep depression and be in a bad mood all week simply because his favorite team lost or his favorite wide receiver got injured during a game? (Remember: Husband’s ankle is fine...guy he has never met who makes 20 million a year, simply has a sprain.)

4. Is it okay that I feel guilty for taking a 30-minute walk by myself on a Saturday but husband feels fine about leaving for 6 hours because “This game is really important.” (What does really important mean? And just a reminder, you don’t watch only the championship games, you watch them all.)

5. Is it okay for a husband, who is now in trouble for not being with the kids, to say the following…“Hey Honey, why don’t you take a break, relax a little. I am going to take the kids (ages 3 and 5) to a bar to watch the game. Don’t worry, it’s early in the day and people won’t be wasted yet.” (Nate Chittick, March 26th 2011 – UNC vs. Kentucky)

6. Is it okay for a man to turn on multiple T.V.s at 9am (living on the west coast is great, waking up to football analysis each morning…not so great) and say the reason he needs to watch is because it looks like he could win $300 in his Fantasy League? (Let’s be clear, he had a chance at winning $300 in the beginning...but after the $287 he spent in trades this season, his total possible earnings are more like $13).

7. Is it okay to watch an entire game which has been recorded, rewinded, and reviewed the whole time, and then WATCH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF SPORTS CENTER WHILE THEY DISCUSS THE EXACT SAME GAME YOU JUST WATCHED?

And the last and final question I have is the one I believe is most important:

8. Is it okay if I told my husband that The Bachelor was going to be on EVERY weekend from August to April. Each of those weekends, my friends were going to come over, drink cosmos, and squeal from 10 am to 7pm. I would tell him that each week is EXTREMELY important because you never know who is going to stay and who is going to go, it’s totally up in the air this year. Plus, we have a Fantasy Bachelor pool where each of us puts in $100 and bets on who we think will end up staying the longest (Obviously we also have a teaser worth over $500 if he actually proposes to your girl.) After each show, we will call, text, and Facebook each other about what happened on the show. There is so much to discuss...who kissed who, what they were wearing, and what crazy thing could happen next. Unfortunately when our girl doesn’t get picked or doesn’t get a date, we are not going to be able to have sex, clean, or do the laundry…only because we are terribly sad and depressed. Hopefully he will understand, because like his teams, we really love these girls and have been fans of theirs for a long time. Although we love our kids, we can’t really take care of them when the show is on because every date and rose ceremony is critical. If he wouldn’t mind taking the children outside or at least keeping them quiet so we could concentrate, it would be greatly appreciated. Lastly, when The Bachelor is over and he thinks I am done watching this craziness, I hope he remembers…The Bachelorette starts in 2 weeks and it will all begin again.

DISCLAIMER: (he makes me do this part) This blog is not JUST about my husband. There were other wives who had questions that needed answers. After reading this blog, my husband wants it to be clear, and I quote, "That other than taking the kids to the bar to watch our Alma Mater, where I graduated with honors, I will not accept responsibility for the character that has been painted. I love sports but I love my family more. Also, I would never make trades that cost me that much profit, I am a better business man than that." (Nate Chittick, April 4 2011 - Returning home at 11pm after watching the Final Four)


  1. AHA!!! So you're saying that this obsessed man you describe ... doesn't ... really ... exist? Ohhhh, you are one brilliantly deceptive sports widow, Mrs. Chittick.

    Another terrific blog, Kelsey. When are we going to start working on your book? Editorial services will be provided at a greatly reduced rate by me (because, like Nate, I don't squander my fantasy profits on numerous trades! ha-ha) if you promise to keep coming on the radio show. ;o)

  2. Love you. And I have totally cried the same tears... At least you can say that you once loved sports. I don't even remember what position the husband played and what said position is responsible for doing during a game. Offense, Defense, it's all the same to me. I decided long ago that the garage "man-cave" is the best thing ever. ESPN / Sports Center is semi-banned from the TV in the house. (there are a few exceptions) You know our shoebox of a place. It's too small for that crap. If I see it on the screen, I just leave. I got tired of my eyes rolling back into my head. I wear contact lenses and they kept getting stuck in weird places within my eye sockets.