Monday, October 18, 2010

Stop the Madness!

I can't stop thinking...about everything. It is becoming a real problem. I mean really, who has time to constantly revisit important topics like turkey or PB&J for my sons lunch, swim lessons on tuesday or wednesday, hair up or hair down, pancakes or waffles, long flannel pjs or short flannel pjs? On the subject of pajamas, my husband has an opinion but neither of them involve his advice really does not solve any of my problems, it just creates more. I am not deciding whether to go to war or not, put inside this little brain of mine, it feels just as important.

Recently my brain is killing me. I don't know what has happened in the past year but I swing between extreme boredom and extreme anxiety...and I used to be normal (what is normal? My definition of myself before I went crazy). My whole life I have been busy, working towards this goal or that goal, finishing school, moving to NYC, partying in NYC, getting engaged, moving to Kansas, hating Kansas, getting married, getting pregnant, having a boy, having a girl, new jobs, stand up comedy, trying acting, trying writing, and trying to stay afloat. I have recently learned, from the help of a friend what my problem is.... she said, "For the first time in your life you don’t know where you are going so you don't know what to do." And she didn't even charge me $150 for the sage advice. But she is right; I have nothing on the horizon except maybe a neighborhood BBQ or a trip to Target. And I know this is a good problem, but still, it has left me with a void. I can't seem to stabilize my ship when it isn't plowing 55 mph ahead through the choppy waters of life. Am I the girl who can't just float and enjoy the water, the sun and the peaceful feeling of having nowhere to go? Yes, I am that girl and like my pseudo counselor than said, "well then, you are never going to be happy!"

She swears there was supposed to be a comma after that sentence not an exclamation, but I am not buying it. Why? Because she is right. If I am not going anywhere or doing anything or trying to accomplish something, who the hell am I? To be honest, I don't know but I need to find out. I have been so overwhelmed the first 33 years of my life with ME, what I want, need and must do, that now that there is a little breathing room ,(provided by the wonderful flexible job I have and the incredible people that help raise my kids) I am lost and off balance. Like my grandma always says, "oh my love, let that be your worst problem!" And it is, thank you God. But still, I can't seem to find my place in the world.

Right now my world is that of mothers and it is very divided. I am not a stay at home mom and I am not a corporate working who am I? I do not belong with either group and it has left me feeling weird. To tell you the truth, I can't really relate to either group.

Moms that think it is fun to cut construction paper in the shape of a spider or who look forward to going on the class trip to the zoo are wonderful people. They deserve an award. For me, I know I would need to do crystal meth in order to be able to spend more than 3 hours with a bunch of 5 years olds. They are so cute but filled with so many questions that I get nervous just being around them.

My son: Mom, why is there high tide and low tide?

Me: Well Honey, because that is the way it works.

Son: No mom, WHY?

Me: Because! The ocean if weird like that , the water goes all weird and sometimes it is high and sometimes it is low and it has something to do with the moon and the earth.

Son: That doesn't make any sense...I will ask Dad when he gets home.

Me: Good idea and by the way, life doesn't make any sense, get used to it!

The other group, the working moms, are so accomplished and driven. They are the brilliant, well dressed and completely overwhelmed moms who somehow find a way to be OK getting home at 8pm and leaving the next morning at 7am. They love their kids but understand their place is not at home but out in the world making a name for themselves. They have big jobs, big titles, and big childcare bills, but they are happy with it. Could not do it that way either....

Me, I am confused. I want to work, but not too much. I want to be with my kids, but not too much. I want to go on field trips, but maybe only once a year. I want to have an amazing job where people respect me. I want to be surrounded by creative, intellectual people, but not if they expect me to work on the days my kids are sick or have Halloween parades.

So today I am beginning a journey, it is going to be called "Stop the Madness!" This is going to be about trying to breathe and find a place in myself that can be ok with just being ok. I don't want to create anymore drama in my life just for the fun of it. An example of me creating drama is when for 14 days straight I asked 100 people if they though I should pay $40 extra a month to let my kid stay 30 minutes later at preschool. Is that too much money? Is it bad for my daughter? Is it good for my daughter? Does she need to nap? Do I need to work more? WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!

I am addicted to this type of thinking and it needs to stop. Or my husband is going to kill me, if I don't get to him first. That will be another list for another day.

So I am going to write down some of the things I am thinking about and let my computer come up with a solution. She (my computer) is going to help me because I am going to put it down on this blog and then turn it off. Lets see how it goes.... here is the list of what I am thinking about today that really isn't making the world a better place:

Do I need to get a kettle ball to lose these last 10 pounds?

Will the bouncy for the block party be on too much of a slope to be safe?

Can I really trust my IUD?

Is sex once a month too little or just right?

Should my daughter stay in preschool even though she cries every time I take her?

Will gray nail polish work on my hands or make them look dull?

Will I get fired?

Will I not get fired and end up working in this job for the rest of my life?

Can I really trust my IUD?

Will the roaches we have go away?

Why do we have roaches and where the HELL are they coming from?

Is the carpet cleaner I used really organic or will my kids do worse on the SAT's b/c of my cleaning compulsion?

Should I keep my nanny or let her go?

Will I die if I let my nanny go?

Should I cut my hair 1 inch or 1 1/2 inches?

Does an IUD really work?

Is sex one time a quarter enough?

Why do I miss dancing with strangers to "It's getting hot in here." so much?

Will my boobs ever stop grossing me out?

Will my son get beat up b/c he likes to memorize Middle Eastern Countries and repeat them to the class on sharing day?

Will my daughter be a bully and super bossy like I was? (It is not looking good!)

Will I ever be on Oprah?

How well does an IUD work?

Why doesn't Oprah know about me?

Is washing my hair 3 time a week too little or too much?

Is spray on foundation worth the extra cost?

Those are just a few, but it feels good to get them out...

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